


You're more than I've ever deserved but I love you anyways

by dykes4yamaguchi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Aromantic Tsukishima Kei, Captain Yamaguchi Tadashi, Character Study, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Heavy focus on Hinata and Kageyama's dynamic, Hinata Shouyou is a Good Friend, Hurt/Comfort, Kageyama Tobio-centric, Kageyama and Hinata are platonic soulmates, Kageyama's grandfather - Freeform, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nonbinary Yamaguchi Tadashi, Second Year Kageyama Tobio, Slow Burn, kageyama and yamaguchi are dating furudate told me, kageyama is in love with yams and it takes him forever to do literally anything about it, lots of yachi bc I love her, monoshippers can suck my dick, no narita bc i hate him, or yamaguchi for that matter, second years to third years, someone pls give kageyama a hug mans isn't doing well, this is totally not me projecting onto kageyama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:02:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29260920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dykes4yamaguchi/pseuds/dykes4yamaguchi
Summary: Kageyama wanted nothing more than to be known and loved unconditionally, in spite of his flaws. He wanted to be worth the effort, to be worthy of something greater than himself.Yamaguchi was everything he didn't deserve. He was all warm smiles and open arms. He was good, undoubtedly so. It terrified Kageyama, how easy it was to love him. He couldn't stop himself no matter how much he tried.
Relationships: Amanai Kanoka/Yachi Hitoka, Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma, Kageyama Tobio/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Shimizu Kiyoko/Yachi Hitoka (one sided), Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 12
Kudos: 41





	1. The king of the court

**Author's Note:**

> this first chapter is more of an exposition than the story itself, but is still necessary. i promise we will get into the exciting stuff later. thank u for reading!!

Kageyama Tobio was an enigma, recognized by all, but known by few. He was a rumor, whispered harshly in the hallways, bouncing off the walls and echoing throughout quiet corridors. He was the king of the court, a cruel, unforgiving dictator, someone to be avoided at all costs for fear of execution. An authority figure, humanity stripped the second he hit eighth grade. There was no sympathy for tyrants, regardless of how young they took the throne.  


So he walked the halls alone, forced to listen as any trace of Tobio slipped away into the sea of unending rumors. Until he himself drowned, choking on his own guilt, lungs straining and eyes teary. Constantly bearing the weight of his regrets, and the crown resting crookedly on his head. He was royally revered but greatly feared. Kageyama hated himself for it. Despite how badly he wanted to prove them wrong, he couldn’t. He was a dictator. He was quick to anger, stubborn and unrelenting, unaware of when to stop, or even how to. There was no point in refuting the rumors if they were true.  


He had attempted to prove otherwise, make a new name for himself. Not Kageyama, Not the King of the court. Just Tobio. He spent long nights staring in the mirror, searching for someone approachable and kind, someone worth talking to. But it always ended in frustrated tears as he lost himself in his reflection, examining countless expressions and angles. His anger was only spurred on by the sight of his bitter scowl and dark circles, highlighting spiteful eyes. This went on for hours, until all he was met with was the realization there was no sign of the starry eyed kid, wide eyed and well loved. Tobio had gone with his grandfather.  


No one could love Kageyama the way he did. He was his best friend, and biggest supporter, who stood by his side no matter what. He had frequent memories of his grandfather boasting about his soon to be professional athlete of a grandson, while Kageyama stood alongside him, trying his best not to bask in the praise. While most people dismissed his dreams as unrealistic and the result of an overactive imagination, his grandfather listened readily, cheering him on every step of the way. He was a wise, loving man, who embraced the world with wide arms and an open mind. He didn’t deserve to die alone in a hospital bed. Kageyama despised himself for not being there in his final moments and despised the world for ridding him of his best friend.  


His dreamy wide eyed outlook quickly turned sour with grief, rose colored glasses tainted red with his grandfather's blood. If the world was so wonderful, he would still be alive. He was nothing but kind and welcoming, a constant joy and inspiration to those who knew him. But he was gone. Kageyama would never hear his boisterous laughter. He would never feel the sting of the pavement beneath his feet as he raced towards his grandfathers house every Friday evening, eager and excited. He wanted nothing more than to sink into old couch cushions, clinging to the edge of his seat as they watched the latest game. He wanted to be with him, soaking up every minute, until he was so full of glee that it exploded in bursts of light, sprouting from his fingertips and toes.  


He missed him so much it hurt, a constant throbbing ache in the back of his chest. His grief latched on like a parasite, poisoning every aspect of his life. It haunted him, the memory of his grandfather pursuing him relentlessly. He saw his grandfather everywhere, and in everyone. In infectious bursts of laughter after practice, in harsh whispers exchanged in the hallways, and in the face of his father. It was infuriating, and he was exhausted. He wanted to say goodbye. He wanted to lean into his infamous warm hugs, and feel the familiar scratch of his sweater against his cheek. But he couldn’t, and it nearly killed him. Kageyama was cold and alone.  


What made matters worse, was his parents' lack of apathy. They didn’t seem to mourn his grandfather or care as Kageyama spiraled further into his emotions, collapsing in on himself. It made him furious, and his anger built up, turning him bitter and hostile. Towards everyone who stepped too close. He became terrified of himself, and of his emotions, and threw himself into volleyball, practicing relentlessly. His teammates, lacking the same tenacity, were left behind. It only infuriated him further to find them slacking, unwilling to work with him.  


He was so desperate to do well for his grandfather, for one thing to go right in the midst of chaos and grief. But every time he tried to explain himself, tried to spur on his friends, his words turned gummy, sticking to the back of his throat. Frustrated with himself, and too exhausted to bear the weight of his emotions, he grew irritable, lashing out at his teammates. The knife twisted further in his gut with each anger fueled outburst, and his resentment for himself grew. He knew deep down it wasn’t their fault. But he couldn’t stop. He felt out of control, trapped in a prison of his own making.  


When they inevitably grew tired of his shit, and of him, he was far from surprised. But that didn’t stop the familiar ache of loneliness, and the tears that fell the night of his final game. Rumors spread like wildfire, and at school the air was thick with smoke. It burned his eyes, filling his lungs with regret until he suffocated on his mistakes. He tried to ignore the hushed whispers, but his cape dragged behind him with each labored step. His crown sat crooked, a constant reminder of who he had become. Tobio died the day his grandfather did. He was the King of the Court.


	2. Long as I'm here, you'll be the strongest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, thank you so much for your patience! It's a little short so I apologize but next chapter will be longer, and come out sooner. We're finally getting into the story, and this chapter will mainly be about exploring Hinata and Kageyama's dynamic, and learning to understand them as a pair. If there are any issues please notify me, I didn't have much of a chance for editing. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!

Hinata had yet to arrive, and Kageyama’s heart was in his throat. He was sitting, sweltering in his own nerves, until his limbs felt sticky, clinging to the sofa beneath him. The air was murky, clouding his mind and his judgement. Despite how heavy each movement felt, his heart was beating rapidly, nearly bursting from his chest. Taking a deep breath, he murmurs half heartened encouragements, willing away worries. Hinata is his friend. His best friend, nonetheless. Over the break, they had stayed at each other’s houses nearly three times a week, to the annoyance of their parents and siblings. Today was no different from the rest.

But in spite of his affirmations, the bundle of nerves has yet to unravel, settling heavily in the pit of his stomach. Kageyama sat for hours, well before the event, stewing in a steady sense of dread that grew with each passing moment. It was a disastrous habit, he is well aware. But the thought of being caught unprepared was far worse than an afternoon of overthinking. He enjoys Hinata’s company, much to his own dismay. But socialization was difficult, to put it lightly, and he finds himself drained long before the outing begins. 

The sound of knocking rang clear in his ears, and he rose, opening the door to reveal Hinata’s ear splitting grin. He is desperately clutching an unnecessary amount of bags, arms nearly shaking with exertion. Behind him, the bike is discarded completely, haphazardly propped against the gate. He barrels inside, immediately sliding off his shoes and beginning to sort through the mess in his arms. He hands Kageyama a plastic bag, which he discovers is filled with a variety of his favorite snacks, nearly filled to the brim. 

“Here, to celebrate our last few days of freedom before school starts. I brought some movies too, and my volleyball, of course.” Hinata turns around, patting his backpack exaggeratedly, which is unusually full. Various keychains dangle from the zipper, and his name is crudely etched in black sharpie just below the label. Pins decorate the pockets, proudly displaying an array of volleyball teams and what Kageyama assumes to be video games. There’s one, very clearly homemade, barring Kenma’s jersey.

“School isn’t that bad, it might be easier if you studied. You could use it seeing what happened at the last training camp.” Hinata rolls his eyes, slinging his bag off his shoulder and falling back onto the couch. He eagerly pulls out his snacks, sorting them into a neat line with a content nod. 

“Oh back off, it’s not like you study any more than I do. We’re both equally stupid, so hop off your high horse.” Kageyama reluctantly sits beside him, still sifting through his bag of food, hoping to distract himself from his own nerves, and put his mind at ease. 

“Well at least I’ve been doing some studying during break.”

“That’s boring. There’s no point if we aren’t in school.”

“It wasn’t my idea, it was my parents. There are some upsides to school. Volleyball season starts sometime soon, and I won’t have to practice with just you.” Hinata kicks him in the leg, spinning around onto his stomach. 

“I’m not that bad.”

“You broke a window last time you were here.”

“It was an accident, and your parents said it was fine. They didn’t care.”

“That’s because you have an incredible talent at sucking up to everyone you meet, and people love it.” Hinata grins, tearing into a bag of chips. 

“I can’t help it that I'm so lovable.” Kageyama rolls his eyes and finally pulls out his own chips, opening them but making no move to eat. His mind scours for a response, for some clever anecdote to contribute, but comes up empty-handed. So he stays silent, staring at the label to distract himself from his shame. “But you’re right, I’m excited to see everyone again. Did you hear about Ennoshita becoming the captain?”

“Yes, I got the same email everyone else did.” 

“I think it makes sense. I like Nishinoya and Tanaka a lot but they’re a bit too.. Nishinoya and Tanaka. As cool as they are. Ennoshita’s super good at that stuff, and I think he’s going to do a great job. He’s always so wise too. He’s kind of like Daichi, but less scary.” Kageyama nods along, content to listen as Hinata launches into his rant, hands flitting about exaggeratedly. “Oh, you know what I’m most excited for? The training camps! I haven’t seen Kenma in forever, he helped Kuroo move into college over break so he was gone the whole time. I miss him a lot, it’s been forever since we’ve gone on a date.”

Hinata throws his head back with a dramatic sigh, clutching a pillow to his chest. Kageyama smiles in a way he prays comes across as sympathetic. His hand itches beside him, wanting to reach out and comfort his friend, wanting to be useful, but he can’t bring himself to move. He’s a child too afraid to swallow his medicine, forced to sit and endure the bitterness of his own hesitancy. Waiting until 'I’m sorry’ dissolves on his tongue, leaving his mouth dry and chalky. Incompetence has never tasted this sour. 

“It’s okay though, he and I have been calling. He’s been really down since Kuroo is leaving, but he seemed so happy when we talked last, and he’s been having a lot of fun. I’m really glad. We’re going on a date next week.”

Kageyama nods, swallowing the burden of unspoken words until his stomach fills with stones, weighing him down. He takes a sip of his drink, and lays back, sinking too far into his fears. Letting the couch cushions consume him until all that’s left is the lingering whisper of an apology he’s too afraid to say aloud. Hinata nods, teetering in his seat as he turns to face Kageyama, propping himself up against the arm of the couch.

“It’ll be nice to see him, and everyone else. I haven’t seen Nishinoya in a while either, he and Tanaka got piercings over the break, and they haven’t sent any pictures. They say we have to wait until the ‘unveiling’. ” 

“Aren’t you afraid of needles? You’re also around five foot two and in high school. I don’t think you can look badass.” 

“I’m sure Tanaka and Nishinoya look badass with piercings, and Nishinoya’s shorter than I am. I’m also five foot three, not two.” Kageyama raises an eyebrow skeptically.

“I’m not sure you know what badass means.” Hinata halfheartedly chucks a chip at him, which Kageyama dodges. After a few minutes of eating their snacks in silence, Hinata drapes himself over the arm of the couch, sighing loudly.

“I’m bored, do you want to play a game?” 

“You broke our window last time.”

“I won’t this time, I promise I’ll be extra careful. We could even go to the park and play there.” Kageyama nods, practically sprinting to his room and throwing on a jacket. He checks his reflection for any flaws or forced smiles, and is met with an ear-splitting grin he barely recognizes. Yet it fills his chest with the familiar feeling of nostalgia, so welcoming and warm it burns. His nerves, while not gone, have eased greatly, and he’s light on his feet as he races back to Hinata, who stands eagerly by the door volleyball underarm. 

The two start walking and Hinata rambles excitedly. Kageyama is content to listen, feeling oddly at peace with his silence. He moves without fear of rejection or ridicule, knowing full well the bond between them is unspoken but acknowledged. He feels foolish for worrying, for letting insecurities rule his actions, especially around Hinata. Someone who against all odds, stands by his side, There is no room for doubt when they are walking arm to arm. As long as he's here, Kageyama is the strongest. For once, being seen isn’t terrifying, and he relishes the feeling of being understood completely and loved in spite of it. In spite of him. 

Once the park comes into sight, Hinata takes off sprinting. Kageyama follows not far behind, fueled by the prospect of competition and the frantic racing of his heart. They slow after arriving at the empty court, setting up on either side.

“What do you say Tobio, one on one, the winner picks the movie?” Hinata spins his volleyball, slamming it against the ground. 

“That will be my.. Sixty-fourth win.” 

“Or my sixty-third.” Kageyama sheds his jacket, tossing it aside and stepping into position. Hinata does the same and tosses the ball upwards, arm coming down in a swift arc to send it spiraling across the court. Kageyama quickly lunges to receive it, still grinning gleefully. The two play for hours, and despite the sting of his forearms and cold biting at his ears, he feels light on his feet. He’s cast aside his cloak and let himself indulge in the moment.

The sensation of pure adrenaline and happiness is something he’s desperately sought after. It’s the feeling of watching volleyball games alongside his grandfather, young and hopeful. Going home fingers numb from clinging to the bench, head swimming with dreams of standing on the court. It’s the feeling of late night practices, working until he’s numb yet glowing with joy, sweat and a sense of accomplishment. It’s in Hinata, and all around him. However selfish it may be, he can’t help but bask in the sunlight. Accept the warmth he knows he doesn’t deserve. At least now, at least with him, Kageyama is needed. He’s a part of something meaningful. He’s more than the crown upon his head. 

When it’s finally too dark to see, they gather up their stuff and trudge back in silence, too tired to speak. They arrive after the lengthy walk home, and Hinata immediately collapses onto the couch, smashing his face into one of the pillows with a loud groan. Kageyama sits beside him and surrenders to the sinking feeling, letting himself relax. It’s not as terrifying as before, and he finds comfort amongst the cushions. His mother peaks into the room, giving him a wave before retreating back to the kitchen. Hinata rolls onto his back, and despite how exhausted he looks, grins stupidly. He reaches over and starts sifting through his overnight bag, brandishing a pile of dvds.

“Since we ended up tying, even though you totally cheated that last game, so I figured you could pick one of the movies I brought with me.”

“I didn’t cheat, you’re just a sore loser.” 

“I’m trying to be nice here and compromise. You pick.” He shoves the haphazardly stacked pile of movies towards Kageyama. He carefully sorts through them, setting aside the less desirables. 

“These are almost all volleyball tapes.”

“That’s not true, there’s a few movies.” 

“There’s a few children’s tv shows, and a cheap looking romance movie.” Hinata leans over and grabs the dvds, looking them over skeptically. 

“I wasn’t really looking when I grabbed them, I was in a rush.” He shrugs, placing the rejects back into his bag. They gather their things, heading to Kageyama’s bedroom. Hinata immediately jumps onto the bed, discarding his bags entirely. He glances around, dismayed to find the only decorations are the jersey hanging beside his bed, and a line of rather beaten up stuffed animals propped against his pillow. “I thought you said you were going to decorate, it’s still so boring in here.”

Kageyama gestures to a cluster of small posters above his desk, and a string of lights decorating his closet.

“I did a little decorating.”

“That’s the bare minimum, it’s like you don’t even sleep here.”

“I do. I just spend most of my time at school, so that’s where I decorate. I put up a poster in the club room last year.” Hinata gently sets the stuffed animals aside, before flopping back against the pillow. 

“That was one poster. You and I have to go shopping sometime, get you some posters or maybe a better mirror.”

“The one I have works fine.”

“It’s not even hung up, it’s just leaning against your wall, and it’s tiny, how can you see anything in it? You’re lucky you have me to help, I’m great at this. Oh and Kenma could help too, we could go to the mall!” Kageyama is hesitant but gives in after seeing Hinata nearly shake with excitement, already planning out placements for decorations. 

“Fine, but not too much. It’s still my room. I hope. I could use some new bedding, and maybe some way to hang up the mirror.” He thought back to his first time seeing Hinata's room, bold and full of life. The walls were lined with posters and polaroids, memorabilia cluttering the bookshelves. Stars plastered across the ceiling made an ever-expanding galaxy, dimly glowing in the dark. While fitting for Hinata, the mere thought of his room looking the same made spending time here all the less appealing. 

“Fine, fine. You can keep it as boring as you like.” Hinata sighs, propping his head on a hand while Kageyama sets up his laptop, pulling over the chair from his desk. “Are you almost ready?”

He nods, setting the computer on the bed, and grabbing his bag of snacks. The two sit, eyes glued to the screen as they discuss possible plays for the new season. They stayed in the room late into the night, huddled together. Kageyama’s shoulders shook with light laughter, watching as Hinata paced the room, ranting wildly about a particularly upsetting match. He cradles a pillow to his chest, using it to muffle frustrated screams. 

The room is radiating amusement and enthusiasm, a realm of warmth amongst the cold. For the first time, it’s a place free from the pressures of the past. Kageyama feels safe, secure. He sleeps easily, curled up beside his best friend. His cloak remains forgotten at the park, discarded along the sidelines. When he rises the next morning to fetch it after Hinata has left, he finds it’s cold to the touch, completely frozen over. He reluctantly wraps the now ill-fitting cape around stiff shoulders and walks home in silence, head held high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading again! I won't be updating my drabbles book today bc of this, but I'll have two done tomorrow!


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